The Plot for Star Wars: Episode VIII

So, it's that time of year again where I decide to divulge the (erroneously fake) plot of a future movie.

See my plot for Transformers 5 here!

This time around, it's time for Star Wars: Episode VIII - Attack of the First Order Strikes Back to the Future! (in Technicolor)

[1]

As with my Transformers plot, there are real spoilers for Episode VII here. And a whole lot of fake spoilers for Episode VIII.


You've been warned.



Star Wars

(dunnnnn dun nuh nuuuuuun. Dun nuh dun dun dun Dun dun dun...(and so forth)

Episode VIII: Attack of the First Order Strikes Back to the Future

It is a period of intense boredom. (Didn't I make that joke already in the Episode VII scrawl text?) The "galaxy" has been anxious for conflict for some time. The only movie they've gotten since finally seeing Mark Hamill was a prequel, and they didn't care how much Darth Vader it will have in it.

Kylo Ren is busy training so he's not beat by someone with 0% training again, and he's also investing in some more winter clothing. As he does his clothes shopping, the NEW ORDER is busy looking for the base of the REBELS RESISTANCE.

Somewhere on some planet, Luke is training Rey to be the next badass space wizard, so she can finally bring balance to force...again, and restore order to the galaxy...again. Can she do it? Find out...right NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (the scrawl text came in a bit short, had to find filler)

Joking aside, I'm pretty stoked, you don't need to say "Don't worry, it has Darth Vader!" Just say it has a good plot or something. [2]

The movie opens with a shot of Luke staring at the water, with dramatic music playing in the background. Then Rey walks up to him and we see that same long drawn out scene where Luke's face is much older than we remember it being.

They talk for awhile, mostly about how The Force is cool, and how Mark Hamill is much more than just some dude who played Luke Skywalker in the 70s and 80s, and how he's totally Luke's favorite actor....a long time from now, in a galaxy far, far away.

Luke tells Rey to seek out Yoda's ghost, because Yoda is contractually obligated to appear onscreen in every Star Wars trilogy. She leaves and goes to some swamp planet where Yoda is busy being a dick and stealing shit from Jedi-in-training. She convinces him to help her and they confirm they accord with a song (because it worked in The Hobbit, right?)

It also apparently worked backstage, see io9 [3]

Back to whatever other planet the Resistance was on, Finn wakes up and learns he has a very meaningful attraction to Poe (because the internet decreed it so). They have some awkward roMANce (get it...it's funny for a few reasons, see that used to be a meme or something where you'd capitalize the MAN part of a word, and it's also a joke because it's a romance between men. Jokes are always better when you explain them).

Suddenly, the Resistance base is attack by those not-empire bad guys. You know the ones. And they have that guy who voices Ferb with them again (you totally didn't think you'd see him again, did you?). And Phasma survived somehow. She kicks ass and takes names for awhile before a big standoff between her and Finn, where he narrowly escapes with his life in an X-wing (with C-3PO for some reason, because we all definitely wanted more screen time for him). Poe's fate is once again left up to question, if you haven't seen the trailers where he appears in a bunch of other scenes.

Finn flies to Cloud City (everything in the galaxy is 30 minutes away), and he meets Lando Calrissian (who has aged wonderfully, if I do say so myself). The two have a conversation about how there are only 2 black guys in the whole galaxy until Mace Windu pops up and he's like "Motherfuckers please", and explains how he survived that fall from the Emperor's chambers and has been trying to find a ride off Coruscant for decades.

"Disney paid me more money" - Future Samuel L. Jackson [4]

The three of them hop on the Millennium Falcon (no one cares or asks how it got there...oh and hey look, it's Chewbacca) and they fly out to find the Resistance and kill them single-handedly (although, admittedly, they have like 5 human hands between them).

There's a big space battle until Mace Windu lands on the a ship and starts cutting up all the bad guys (but it's okay, they're only sleeping) while Finn shoots stuff and Lando hits on some female First Order officer(s). And Benecio Del Toro shows up, turns out he just has one line in the movie. It's "Falafel".

Poe shows up and he's in all those scenes I mentioned people had seen in the trailers. And Rey pops up at the last moment, now with super jedi powers, and she and Mace go seriously fuck up Kylo Ren (like, blood everywhere, fifteen different pieces, and for some reason he's crying the whole time).

Then Mr. Big Bad (aka Supreme whatever Snoke, aka Darth Bane? aka Darth Maul? aka some janitor from the Death Star?) appears and it turns out he's roughly the size of Yoda's left foot. But he still uses some dark side force to win the battle and escape in some sort of inexplicably complicated and impractical tie fighter.

Then Lando is frozen in carbonite. Why? Because I said so.

Oh, wait [5]

Roll credits.



If at least 5% of this is accurate, I'm demanding royalties from the studio.

You heard it here first (or not, I don't know what I meant by that).


Until next time,

Ryan




Images as sourced